Sexual Availability?

Relationships are a connection between people that are rarely ever the same. The way that I define relationships is by simple grade school, mathematical terms, where a relationship consists of how two points relate to one another. In terms of people, I consider them the points, and the relationships are determined by how people relate to one another.

Now, my definition turns relationships into a broad concept. Technically speaking, anything can constitute as a relationship. And, I personally think there is no right way to a relationship. Regardless, social constructs tend to complicate the lack of check points needed to be met in my definition by enforcing a list of checkpoints. In my experience, society separates the idea of relationships by levels of intimacy, and each type of relationship must function a certain way to be legitimate… or possible for success.

If in a relationship, an individual doesn’t attempt to check off the socially constructed points, they are scrutinized, considered to be hard to love or emotionally unavailable. Sometimes this may be the case, but other times it is not (although who are we to judge if the relationship doesn’t involve us).

Relationships are roughly fifth on my priority list, yet that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the thought of being in an intimate relationship. My personal approach to intimate relationships doesn’t meet up to societal standards, and so it becomes difficult for me to connect with people on an intimate level. As a result, I find myself going on dates, attempting to be forward with my intentions if I see it being a hookup, versus holding my tongue if I’m testing the waters because I’m hoping there’s a possibility for something more. If it turns out to be the latter, dating usually involves me reading signs wrong, and eventually, it ends with me crying because of my incapability of having a guy wanting to stick around after things turn sexual.

Because of my own take of a series of unfortunate dating events, I have internalized a belief that the male specimen becomes disinterested once they have received their sexual gratification. That in truth, they weren’t interested in getting to know me, my personality, my thoughts, or my feelings towards Nutella, but rather, they were interested in the physicality. I have taught myself to believe that the only factor that kept them interested in a month’s worth of coffee dates was the expectation of moving one of the dates from a café setting, to a more comfortable bedroom setting. The prize for being a supposed genuine guy was getting into my pants and leaving in theirs the same night with no desire to repeat the intimate events.

Ultimately, I am aware that my self worth is not determined by my body’s sexual availability. The problem isn’t even men using me until they get what they want, but it’s the lack of clear communication. In my case, I may tell someone that I’m not interested in a relationship if I’m only wanting a hookup, but I fail to communicate whether I am interested in seeing where things go if I enjoy their company. In turn, there is a lack of inquiring about their intentions, so I’m left to assuming. And so, I am left to reading signs, getting mixed messages, and getting no messages after sex is on the table.

Since I am able to acknowledge where the problem lies, what now? Personally, I find the social constructs surrounding relationships to be extremely problematic, and so, I want to screw the made-up social laws surrounding communication, and I want to screw the rules they put on behaviour in the early stages of getting to know someone. If I need to send 13 texts in a row to make myself clear, I will. If you find my personality to be too blunt or too weird, so be it. I am going to embrace my ability to communicate. I am going to value my mental and physical self-worth.

This is my experience,
Yours truly,

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