I mentioned how I perceived three perspectives which can be applied in response to your predicament. Primarily, there is the perspective of Agreement. The way you explained your current state makes perfect sense, and it can be problematic to try and build a relationship on twisted foundations. Secondly, there is the perspective of living momentarily and continuing intimacy until situational displacement corrupts contact. Yet, this second perspective becomes unsound noting that you are currently impacted by the allegations. Thirdly, it boils down to the perspective of ‘out ruled’ decisions. If you have already decided to end things, then it doesn’t matter whether or not I want to continue intimate relations because there wouldn’t be a mutual agreement in which to continue. But there’s a fourth perspective: mine.
All things being said, I needed to take the night to straighten out my thoughts. I needed time to reflect on what you said, and be honest with myself, before giving you a direct answer stating how I feel.
I want to acknowledge my appreciation for your hospitality and affection. It’s nice to have had someone in my life that cares about how their actions affect my state of being. Regardless of my admiration of this trait, I find it hardly influences the outcome. You can put every effort into making sure that I don’t end up hurt, but in the end, I will be hurt either way. My hurt comes from my inability to be honest with myself. I used to say I have no boundaries, but time after time of getting hurt in intimate relations, I’ve learned that I do have boundaries, I just lack the awareness needed to implement them. I lack the strength to say enough when I’m no longer enthused with a situation. Knowing this, I realize that I need to acknowledge my wants and needs. I need to address when I’m upset with a situation, and I want to follow through with pursuing an outcome that is not only beneficial, but healthy.
To be honest, I am upset. For many reasons. I will go into detail but beware that this will be longwinded. Overall, I feel upset with myself, because I felt like there were details that I overlooked.
- One night, you insisted on looking over my Tinder messages. I said I didn’t have Tinder on that phone and you downloaded it. Issue solved. You had granted access. You said that it’s obvious I put way more into the conversations than the guys did. I was already aware of this. Seems to be a pattern. Exhibit A: over the last month, my messages out-lengthened and outnumbered yours. Your observation circulated through my head, and I wondered if it was relevant to our messaging patterns. Yet I dismissed this thought because our weekly calls were substance enough for my short-lived satisfaction.
- Many times, you mentioned that you’d like this to continue, but ‘this’ was never defined. It was as vague as the parameters that you placed around the intimate relation, which were nonexistent. Now I agreed and continue to agree with not wanting to prevent you from satisfying yourself, even if it means sexually, because who am I to place limitations on someone outside of myself. You are an individual; you have the right to sexual, intimate, spiritual, and emotional gratification. Yet, I approached the connection between us through a problematic perspective. Although we agreed on no expectations, I expected that ‘this’ developed into something more, eventually. (call me a dreamer)
Although I have come to love you unlike anyone else, I am aware that you don’t know my tendencies. You mentioned that you believe our friendship is too strong to simply break. Obviously, you don’t know how easily I walk away from people when having them in my life burdens me more.
I will put my tendencies into perspective. Firstly, I hardly notice two weeks of absent communication when it comes to friends, and sadly this extends even towards family. I hate to admit it, but sometimes their existence slips my mind. The only people I think to keep it touch with regardless of what’s occurring in my life are my parents and my best childhood friend. If I agreed to move forward as friends, you’d probably hear from me once every blue moon, when it’s convenient to me, when I think I should send a message so I’m not a total neglecting asshole. This was a problem with my ex, and countless ‘best’ friends.
At this point, I want to make note of when I said I probably won’t be sleeping with anyone else, regardless of the lack of exclusivity. In reality, I have sworn to myself that I am going to retract my focus from boys, until I have achieved my dreams. I realized that I fell into a cycle. I led myself astray and left my self-worth behind. I tried drowning myself in attention and felt ‘at least its something’. At least someone finds me worthy… of momentary pleasure. When one guy left me on the hook, I looked for the next one because at least it was something. But I don’t want just something. I felt alone, even with a hookup because there was no depth. Yet, I was caught in a cycle.
The twisted cycle that I get caught in goes a little like this:
I say that I will focus on myself and think big again. Keep the opportunities limitless. Then I get caught up with a boy or a friend. Then it either ends up toxic (in terms of friendships), or I end up hurt (in terms of relations with a boy). I end up feeling powerless, small, stupid, naïve, and oblivious to the incompatibilities. I realize that I tried molding the relationship into something that it wasn’t, or I ignored my boundaries. As a result, I tell myself that I won’t let it happen again, I’ll get my head straight and focus on thinking big again… but the cycle repeats.
Because I have gone through this cycle countless of times, I have decided that it’s best for myself to just focus on me. Focus on school. Focus on art. Focus on Deprived. Focus on going to Toronto, and everything else that I can do to make me earnestly happy. I am tired of getting wound up in people. I am tired of losing sight of my autonomy. I am tired of feeling alone, tired of being alone, but I want to learn to be okay with being alone.
I define my tendencies as twisted thoughts, and I might be sabotaging myself, but I have internalized a ton of shit and feel best about myself when developing autonomy and producing artsy-fartsy projects. When I focus on dreaming big in my career, I don’t think twice about my loneliness. Mentally, I am all over the place, and so my tendencies may be controversial at times. I still need to figure out my boundaries. I still need to figure out how to connect to people while having those boundaries. I need to figure out how to remove my self-worth from my sexual availability before fully engaging in physical relations. I need to figure out how to comfortably be friends by stating boundaries, so I don’t feel pressured to provide more than I want.
In the end, there’s been a lot going on through my mind. I am trying to get my head straight by figuring what this means for us. I don’t know if I can be friends, at least not now. Not until I undo loving you more than a friend. Not until I can accept that I flew all the way to see you for ‘this’.