Letters to My Love

Part 4

To me, it seems like a question of whether I’m worth working it through. In my opinion, if you wanted me, conditions wouldn’t influence how you wanted to relate to me. They don’t influence how I want to relate to you.

If I approached life with the perspective of having the ideal foundation, I’d end up single my entire life. Relationships aren’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. There are ups, and there are downs concerning both. This may be a serious down – but again, it’s a down I’d want to work through. It’s a down I’d have to work through as a friend – the only difference is you believe its a down which is sabotaging my chances at a good foundation, as it sabotages your life. 

You asked what I’d do in your situation, and I said I’d probably think the worse, that my life is over and push everyone away. It seems like that’s what you’re doing. It seems rational, but I’d also hope someone would be there for me regardless of my beliefs, and I want to be there for you with all my love and affection. 

You may think that I’d be throwing my chances at a relationship with a man that can promise me the future because your future is being thrown away. But I don’t want to throw away the chance to give you my love and affection in a intimate, romantic sense while I still can. The circumstances aren’t forcing this to stop. In my perspective, you are.

You asked if there was a better way to have this conversation. I still think there isn’t. You feel like its a conversation needed to happen. You did the best you could. My heart is broken, and I’ll probably feel this way for a long time. To me, I’ve noticed the hurt stays until I learn to live without someone. If we had waited until the bitter end – I would no longer have any way to live with you, and so I think the pain would have been easier. I’d have to force myself to learn to live without you, because I wouldn’t have a choice. Neither would you. If you still believe in ending ‘this’ and want me in your life as a friend, the pain will probably hurt all the same or more because instead of learning to live without you, I have to learn to love you differently – which is more difficult in my opinion. It’ll be hard for me to accept, regardless of how you presented your reality of ‘this’, because I strongly believe its not my reality, at least not yet.

Now I don’t expect you to hear this and change your mind – I certainly hope you don’t cake this info and think you need to end contact for me not to hurt. I agree with you; I think it’d be a shame having ourselves out of each others lives. I think we can still benefit from having each other – I just wanted you to know I’d still like something to develop, but I don’t expect you to change your mind. I don’t expect you to do anything with this information. I’m just wanting to be open with you. I don’t think you were aware how far in I fell. I’m just presenting my script. You presented yours.

I just want to be positive knowing this is what you want. And now this leaves me with questions:

Why did you keep the sketches of the drones?
Regardless of how this turned out, have your feelings for me changed?
How long have you been thinking of ending ‘this’?
Is this ultimately what you want, ending romantic pursuits? 
Do you whole-heartedly not want to be with me?

Yours truly,
Shayla


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